Is knowledge power?

Good evening!


Been doing a bit of reading with regards to Anti-HIV treatments. There is a lot of information out there! However, I feel compelled to read at the moment, I mean I am going to have to start taking these drugs at some point in the future so I am going to want to know as much as possible. Aren't I?

If I am honest, the more I read, I am not too sure! For every positive I read there is always a scary negative, usually concerning some undesireable side effect. Now there are a lot of reports into how Anti-HIV drugs, when taken at the right time and with a near religious adherance, can allow a person living with HIV to have a near normal life-span. So what do you do!? OK, so the drugs, when needed are going to be the life-saver, the prolonger of life. However this still does not stop you approaching them with some trepidation! This is why I ask is knowledge actually power?

We have pals who are HIV positive too and they have said that try to steer clear of reading about the drugs. After reading what I have (and this is only the tip of the iceberg!) I am inclined to agree!

Mentally, I am prepared for the Anti-HIV treatment; I think only a fool would not be, but there are still those niggeling little doubts. How will I cope with the side-effects when you have to be so committed to your treatment? Its not like having an odd reaction to a parecetamol! Chopping and changing the Anti-HIV traetments can help the HIV build resistance to the drugs and when that starts to happen the goal of an undetectable Viral Load slips further away.

From our discussions with the Doctor at the clinic along with some of the stuff I have read, you can also take drugs to combat the side effects - I guess that is some comfort to the 'mind-fuck'! I am just scared I am going to rattle just as much as the pill box I will have to carry!!!!!!

Looks like 'His Knibbs' and me have a huge journey ahead of us!

"Serosorting"

I came across this term the other night whilst reading a news item on the NAM website.

Basically, what "Serosorting" means is you discuss your status, positive or negative, with a potential sexual partner and then choose to have unprotected sex with that person based on your own status.

Common sense you would think? A good "risk reduction" measure? Perhaps! However, your knowledge of your status is only as good as your last test. Be that 6 months or 6 years ago. Now if you are having unprotected sex with several sexual partners whose knowledge of their own status is as only as good as their last test, does it still seem like a good "risk reduction" measure?

Are you not just working on the basis of guess work? Unless you have had your results that very day, are you not just guessing that you are negative? It only takes one wrong guess!

I would say that our situation is testament to the this. Somewhere along the line we got it wrong! I don't think we were mislead in any way by anyone. Whoever it was must have thought they were negative - just as we thought we were negative!

Food for thought!

Day of rest!? Bah!

So much for Sunday being a day of rest! After a very early rise of 7.30am a quite energetic day ensued!! Not only did we receive guests & tidy the house, we finally get round to starting the last slog in the kitchen renovation!! Its only taken us 6 months to get round to it! (I should mention at this point, 'His Knibbs' did not get out of bed until 9.30 am!) So all that & I managed to cook a delicious and nutrisious meal too!

Absolutely knackered now but I somehow feel a lot more 'driven'! I guess with us both changing jobs, the dogs and plane idleness, we have become a bit stagnant!

I have to say the diagnosis has played a part in this new found vigour! Me & the Boyf have been talking a few things over in the past week and have decided not to let ourselves fall into this illness! Lifes to short for fucks sake!!

Sorry for swearing there, but thats what I feel like everytime I think about the HIV! Not in a violent way! It's more like I get this big burst of energy deep inside me that just seems to collapse in on itself then explode! Not had anything like that for a very long time.

So now I am going to channel all that energy into living life to the full & doing my utmost to control the HIV! Eating well, getting round to giving up smoking - Not the weed though! Excercise especially as the gym is the next project after the kitchen is finished!

Once we had finished working and had dinner, we sat down with a glass of wine and a nice fat joint! Just reward for the day methinks! Anyways, was looking through some pictures on the lappy. The first one is of the waterfall at Melin Court. We took on 16th June this year when we went walking with pals who live there. The second was taken inside Margam Castle on Easter Sunday. I just like them as they show just what we have around us. So much more to explore and experience!

Well it getting late now and I am guessing I will have abusy day again tomorrow. So I am gonna roll another one and then get some sleep!

So Good Night!

To disclose or not to disclose?

I have been thinking on this every since the diagnosis! Who do you tell?

The first people we told were parents and our closest friends. The people that mattered most to us. The reactions, as anticipated were positive and supportive.

But what about anyone else? Should we tell our employer? We are not in an industry where our Status affects our day to day duties. We are pretty much "office monkeys" with perhaps the greatest danger being the odd stray staple or renegade paper clip! Joking aside though, this is a point that is playing on my mind.

There are a 101 reasons not to tell anyone other than those close to you, equally there are serious considerations to disclosing your status to other outside the 'inner circle'. I guess at the moment I am pretty much covered as I have a credible cover story for my frequent trips to the Clinic but what if I become ill and then the illness becomes more frequent requiring more and more time off work? Here in the UK at least we are covered by the Disability Discrimination Act (DDA) but in order to be afforded this protection you need to have disclosed your Status! Rock and a hard place springs to mind, but it is still early days I guess!

I think as I learn more about my condition and gain a greater understanding of it's implications the the matter of disclosure will become an easier one.

Until then it will just be our little secret!

The start of my new life??

Hello! Good Evening and Welcome!

This is my first ever Blog entry! I have finally succumbed to the Blog craze and and decided to post the thoughts of my (sometimes) twisted mind for all to see!

Well, my first entry is not so much twisted more an outlet as 9 days ago my life changed forever when I was diagnosed as HIV Positive. Now being gay I have been exposed to the disease most of my adult life, through friends, the gay scene and the Media. This however does nothing to numb the shock of receiving a positive diagnosis!

I can't really say it was a surprise when the result came back! I have lived the life style and played the "game" with relish and vigour, but somewhat foolishly, with the philosophy that it would never happen to me! Now it has!!

I have to say the whole process is a bit of a body shock! The amount of blood that has been drawn from me in the past 9 days is shocking! Being of a squeamish disposition has not helped as I have winced and moaned like a girl!! Forever cries of "make it painless", "Use a little needle" and " I am OK with this just DON'T LET ME SEE THE BLOOD!" Fortunately I have not puked on a nurse yet but there is still time!

I guess at this point I should also mention that my Partner of 8 years also received a positive result on the same day. Something I am quite glad about. Now when I say that I do not mean that in a nasty way; what I actually mean is that I have someone there, someone who knows me mind, body and soul to share the experience with! I did cry when I was told but the Boyf, the pragmatic sort that he is took it on the chin, squeezed my hand and gave me the look that I know means " Don't worry, I am here". In that respect I guess I am so very lucky. So many before us have had to go through this on their own but we have each other for support, that ready made shoulder to cry on!

The folks at our local clinic are fantastic, I can not praise them enough! They also allow us to be seen together. Everything from seeing our Consultant, to blood tests! We are there side by side. OK! enough waffle for one day!

I may post more later as I am finding this quite cathartic, whether anyone reads it or not! If you have stopped by and taken the time to read this, then Thank You!

If you have any questions then please feel free to post a comment and I will do my utmost to respond in a timely manner. For now - So Long :o)